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James Bond Caper

[‘Bond’ theme music swells, then fades. The scene: we are deep inside the secret headquarters of the head of the villainous SPECTRE - ERNST BLOFELD, as played by Stockwell Day - at the centre of an inactive volcano. Assembled with the evil SPECTRE chief are his minions and henchmen: ODDJOB, back from 1964’s ‘Goldfinger,’ played by Rahim Jaffer(we think); the intense SPECTRE villain EMILIO LARGO, last seen in 1965’s ‘Thunderball,’ played by Darrell Stinson; PUSSY GALORE, reprising her role from ‘Goldfinger,’ and played by Deb Gray; NICK NACK, the character immortalized by the gifted actor Herve Villechaize in ‘The Man With the Golden Gun’ in 1974, played by Ezra Levant; and, making a special cameo appearance from the ‘Austin Powers’ series, the loveable villain FAT BASTARD, played by Myron Thompson. As we join BLOFELD/DAY, the SPECTRE boss is plotting his revenge against JAMES BOND.]

BLOFELD/DAY: (In a rage.) Curse that infernal James Bond! Whenever I am close to achieving my plans for SPECTRE world domination, Agent 007 is there to foil my plans! I successfully use my mind control beam on the National Post - but then Bond is there to destroy me, with that silly little libel lawsuit settlement in Alberta! I win control of the SPECTRE alliance - but Bond is there to ridicule me, with meaningless trivia, like the relationship of Lake Erie to the Great Lakes, or my hidden agenda for health care, or my personal fondness for the ‘Flinstones’ cartoon series! It’s not fair!

ODDJOB/JAFFER: (Trying to be helpful.) I could try and slice his head off with my lethal bowler hat, boss…

BLOFELD/DAY: (In a rage.) That didn’t work in 1964, and it won’t work now! Besides, you’re not Oddjob! You’re an impostor - you’re that impersonating MP from Edmonton! Kill him! (LARGO/STINSON pushes the impostor into a pit of man-eating sharks, helpfully located nearby.)

BLOFELD/DAY: Does anybody else have any good ideas?

PUSSY GALORE/GRAY: I could try and lull him into a false sense of security, using my feminine wiles, and then you could dispatch your team of Ninja assassins from ‘You Only Live Twice.’ That could work, don’t you think?

BLOFELD/DAY: (Pushing GALORE/GRAY into the shark pit.) That would be about as effective as your flip-flop on the Gold-Plated MP Pension, after having called everyone else who took it a “pig!” Anyone else have a good evil scheme?

LARGO/STINSON: (Ushering in his friend, FAT BASTARD/THOMPSON.) Look, boss! Visiting us from the ‘Austin Powers’ series - it’s my friend, Fat Bastard! We can hire a secret agent to dig up dirt on Bond! What do you think?

BLOFELD/DAY: (Struggling, as he pushes the hefty-sized pair into the shark pit.) What do I think? I think the sharks will take a week to finish off your friend, that’s what I think! (Shaking his monocled head in disgust.) Hiring a secret agent! It isn’t just bad enough that those two wear cowboy hats on national television, thereby scaring off any chance of support I have in places where people don’t drive pick-up trucks to work! Then they go and say I should hire a spy, instead of just doing the jobs they were elected to do, which is scrutinize the public record!

NICK NACK/LEVANT: (Looking nervous.) Well, heh heh, I guess it’s just you and me now, boss. Would you like me to debate agent 006, Liberal Party president Stephen LeDrew, on CTV NewsNet again? (Pause.) You’re not going to feed me to the sharks, are you?

BLOFELD/DAY: (Fondly.) No, no, of course not, my little friend. I need you, Nick Nack. That is why I pay you the big bucks, you know?

NICK NACK:/LEVANT: (Relieved.) Perhaps we could try nuclear blackmail, as we did in ‘Never Say Never Again’ in ’83? Or use the Solex Agitator again, and try and harness the sun’s harmful rays, as in ‘The Man With the Golden Gun,’ in 1974? Or obliterate the world economy, as we tried in ‘Goldfinger?’

BLOFELD/DAY: No, everyone knows already that we would obliterate the economy if we ever took over. We need something better…

[Suddenly, JAMES BOND appears, as portrayed by Jean Chretien. He is wearing a tuxedo.] BOND/CHRETIEN: (Looking uncomfortable.) Hey, I don’ mind playin’ dress-up wit you, Stock, but do I have to wear dis monkey suit?

[Without warning, ‘M’ appears, as played by Preston Manning.] ‘M’/MANNING: (Eagerly, in a bad English accent.) If Stock continues to get bad reviews as the head of the SPECTRE alliance, do any of you chaps mind if I take another shot at the role?

[Curtain drops.]

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