As Your Humble Narrator (YHN, for short) travels hither and yon, casting his flashlight beam of truth upon political flotsam and jetsam, he has noticed a thing or two.

For starters, he has noticed that Canadians are in a good mood. The economy is up, unemployment is down, and – praise Allah - nobody is nattering to them about the pressing need to amend the Constitution. As we enter barbecue season, it would appear that Canadians are preoccupied with many things, but politicians are not among them.

But here’s another thing YHN has observed. In darkened corners of drinking establishments from sea to sea to sea, disillusioned and dejected Progressive Conservatives are to be found gazing into the bottoms of glasses, muttering: “Woe is us.”

When plied with drink, these despondent Tories will confess that they believe a further condemnation to electoral purgatory is imminent. Following their near-extinction in 1993, and the disappointing returns in 1997, this deflated crew had been hoping for an end to all of the bad luck – and, just perhaps, return to the Political Promised Land.

But things have not gone according to plan, they believe. The dastardly Liberals remain ascendant. The Reform Party – or, the aptly-named CRAP – appears to be rejuvenating itself. Tory leader Joe Clark is being ridiculed for his refusal to take seat in the House of Commons – and for his rallying cry of “Ambiguity!” when confronted with the politically-popular Clarity Act. Federal Tories everywhere are contemplating mass ritual suicide – like the Jonestown event in the 1970s, although this one would likely be called Joe’s Town.

Far be it for a Grit, like YHN, to offer some slender reeds of hope to this sad little club. But – just for sport, if nothing else – YHN offers three reasons why Tories should cheer up, and get back to business:

1. Stockwell Day: One of the leading candidates to lead CRAP, the Alberta Treasurer - who YHN uncharitably calls the Manchurian Candidate - is a certifiable right-wing wacko. Reformers like him, however. Superficially, it is easy to see why: Day is telegenic, has held a number of senior Alberta cabinet portfolios and is even sort of bilingual. Forty-nine, father of three, Day has also been Minister of Labour, President of the Treasury Board, House Leader, and Minister of Family and Social Services. As Treasurer, he is the second-most powerful politician in Alberta, after Premier Ralph Klein. But he is also as politically marketable to Ontario voters as Joerg Haider. In 1992, for example, the former auctioneer and evangelical pastor declared homosexuality “a mental disorder.” Later, he told Albertans that children only belong with “natural families.” More recently, Stockwell - who owns a handgun and a number of shotguns - refused to say whether he would comply with the new gun-registration law, calling such a question “hypothetical.” His dad, meanwhile – Stockwell, Senior – is an on-the-record supporter of Doug Christie, lawyer to Ernst Zundel, Jim Keegstra and assorted neo-Nazis. My, my: is this the sort of family we wish to set up at 24 Sussex?
   
   
2. Preston Manning: Because he is a follower of Christ Jesus in the evangelical persuasion, let us be fair to Mr. Manning. His accomplishments, while often denigrated by the godless, Satan-worshipping Central Canadian Media Conspiracy (CCMC, for short) - are not insignificant. As did Yahweh with Adam, Mr. Manning crafted the Reform Party out of prairie soil, and made it flesh. Through blood, sweat, and generous corporate donations, the Reform leader took a populist grouping of Western mouth-breathers, and transformed them into Her Majesty’s Loyal Opposition - an Opposition filled with, well, more of the same mouth-breathers. Like Moses, he led his band of followers to the very edge of the Promised Land of Government: taxi chits, cell phones and ministerial limousines for all! Rejoice! 24 Sussex awaits! But not so fast. Mr. Manning hit a wall, and a wall of his own making, too. Anti-Frenchie campaign ads, an inability to order poutine en francais, MPs approvingly quoting Hitler and urging that non-whites be “moved to the back” - all these things take their toll with those of us who still bother to care. He has, as a result, hit a wall somewhere along the Eastern Manitoba border – and he ain’t ever getting’ over it.
   
   
3. Reformers: They were the group of proud populists who would storm the Bastille – ending Parliamentary pensions, subsidized restaurants and Medicare. When they hit Ottawa’s beaches in 1993, en masse, however, a subtle transformation was observed. While a few of them still clung proudly to noble Reform principles – like the Calgary MP with the delightful name, Art Hanger, who travelled to the Far East to study the caning of naughty youngsters – many others have not. A substantial number of Reform MPs can now be observed in the Parliamentary Restaurant, snarfing back canapés, calculating their pensionable benefits and chiding the Liberals for reducing health transfers to the provinces. They promised to do politics differently, and they did: in a policy context, they have done more backflips than Nadia Comanice.

So, to Tories, everywhere: cheer up! While things are, presently, not so great, do not ever forget: it could be much, much worse.

You could, after all, be a Reformer.

[Warren Kinsella is a lawyer with the Toronto firm of McMillan Binch.]