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 Canadas decision to declare war on Norway - while regrettable - is also necessary. When our national honour has been besmirched by a tiny nation that, during the winter months, lives in near-total darkness, conflict is inevitable. To the ramparts, countrymen! How did this sad state of affairs come to pass? How did the Norwegian threat pass unheeded for so long? More significantly, has this correspondent - after flirting with madness for so long - finally lost all of his proverbial marbles? An explanation is in order. If you were, last week, among the declining number of Canadians who read the National Post, you would have spotted the following banner headline: WE FALL TO NUMBER THREE IN U.N. RANKING. Barely able to contain its glee, the accompanying Post dispatch detailed how the United Nations Human Development Index - expected to be released publicly tomorrow - will see Canada slipping from its number one spot to number three. After Norway and Australia. Unlike most Canadians, the Yanks and Britons who toil at the Post have not been happy that - for seven years in a row - Canada dominated the United Nations list. To the rest of us, being tops was nice. To the obersturmfuhrers at the Post, however, it was an ongoing irritant - because the Number One spot was pithy rebuttal to their continual editorial refrain that Canada is a Third World slag heap, a socialist redoubt that is unkind to rich people, blah blah blah. With a delight that was almost carnal, the Posts editorialists were rapturous the day following their screaming headline. In an unsigned screed titled Were Number Three, the newspapers self-flagellants declared that at long last, quote unquote, Canadians would no longer be able to dismiss the concerns of critics - the Posts editorial board and columnists, for the most part - who wrote endlessly about Canadas stagnating productivity and falling living standards. Quoth the Post editorialists, proudly: Canada is slipping. (All of it rather resembled Frank magazines hilarious satire of a special Post supplement a few days back: to wit, Canadians were stupid poo-poo heads.) Enter Norway, the supposed new favourite of United Nations officialdom. Norway, a proud nation with an annual growth rate of less than two per cent per annum. A country that achieved its present wealth through some fortuitous offshore well-drilling, but not much in the way of diversification or economic smarts (ipso facto, when oil prices fall, so too does the Norwegian economy - straight into deficit). Norway, where one is obliged to serve in the military - to defend against the omnipresent North Korean submarine threat, one supposes - whether one likes it or not. Norway, where bloated bureaucracies are a way of life. Norway - where even agencies of the Norwegian government concede that its citizens may not seem particularly polite or hospitable to guests from abroad. Norway, where there is no daylight - none at all - in its northern regions, for weeks at a time. Norway, where an average Summers day may seldom get above 12 degrees Celsius. Ah, sweet Norway. The National Posts new apotheosis, a nation nonpareil. (Australia? Dont even get me started on Australia. Name one notable thing Australia has done since Kylie Minogues last naughty video. If anything, the Australians deserve to have been docked points for the cultural ignominy of Crocodile Dundee.) Wishing to avoid the sort of diplomatic ruckus John Robson got himself into a while back, it should be stressed that Norway and Australia probably have many redeeming features, although none immediately come to mind. Nice places to visit, as the saying goes, wouldnt necessarily want to live there. But, at columns end, lets get serious, shall we? The point is, here, is that - notwithstanding the deliberations of the bureaucrats at Dag Hammarskjld Plaza, or the self-loathing Post pundits - Canada is, and remains, the best country in the world. All of us know that. Any country blessed with the natural beauty of this one - or its people, or its booming economy, or its generous social programs, or its stable political environment, or any one of a hundred other gifts and achievements - knows that already. And, if we know that, we also know that a declaration of war on Norway is the best way to avenge our national honour. Once that battle is won, the National Post will be a pushover.
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